Life as we know it

I find it hard to express how I feel sometimes. I usually feel a combination of panic, fear, anxiety, excitement and worry. It’s because I classify myself as a thinker. And thinkers don’t take easily to changing environments or wavering moods. We delve deep and figure it out. We take pride in making the unknown, completely known. We dissect, we ponder, analyze and then hypothesize. If someone is confusing, they’re a project. A subject to thoroughly take apart and then put back together in the way you see fit. It’s a long tedious task that usually takes up most of the mind, with the right and left sides setting aside their unique personalities and coming together for this one purpose.
And then it gets completed. You relax as your mind feels satiated and pats itself on the back for a job well done. But then the subject rises back up. And does something you never thought possible. You had put this person back together so flawlessly in your mind. How could this subject manage to surprise you? Your brain short circuits. You had figured this out. Where did you go wrong? Where did the signs fail to inform you?
This is when frustration begins. When the thinker becomes the over thinker. The analyzer becomes the victim. And then begins a cycle of palpitations. How could you let something spin out of control. How could you have been let down by a project you poured your existence into?
It is here that the breakdown happens. When your mind can’t think more. When it looks out the window but all it sees is a mirror. When each face seems a manifestation of your own soul. When you wish you could rip to pieces your alert disposition and run through life as a wide eyed innocent with no preconceived notions. But that can’t be so. Unless one lobe of your brain goes into early retirement and lays down its tireless pen.
So in desperation, you look for ways out of this self imposed prison. You stop looking rapidly left and right for signs. Your hands previously clutching at something, anything, begin to uncurl. You begin to breathe in a flow instead of gasps and you realize something you should have been previously privy to. You realize you can’t control what is not you. You may plot, you may plan and you may list, but eventually nature, the world and people do what they must. And you must do what you intended. Because life isn’t a path. It is a zigzag of surprises. And those that intend on always taking a straight path will be faced with a bunch of flowers to distract, some displaced rocks to hinder and uneven land to trip.
So take that zigzag and take it with pride. Because in the unforeseen lies the beauty of the new. And the new could mean a break from familiar and a chance to realize who all you could be. I say who all because there isn’t any fun in being one dimensional when magic exists in the other dimensions.
Just let go and let others be their own version of perfection as you seek yours.

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